When I returned from my month-long Australian vacation on Thanksgiving Day I had just received results from a blood workup indicating ovarian cancer, possibly breast cancer as well.
One minute I'm having the best Aussie trip ever and the next my whole life has changed.
Toiletries are comparatively expensive in Australia so I always bring my normal size products and plan it so I'll run out of all my hair care products there so I will have extra room in my luggage for goodies and less hassle in airport security. (I've gotten really good at travelling.)
This time when I returned all I could think about was having cancer, losing my hair and maybe/probably dying so why not save the money and just use up all the hotel and travel shampoos and conditioners I've accumulated over the years "in case of emergency".
I figured cancer could be considered an emergency.
I started to think about my body like an old car. Vintage cars are very cool but there comes a point when its just not worth fixing anymore. I mean paying to wash a car that's on its way to the junkyard seems like a waste right?
When you don't have insurance you think in a different way when it comes to even regular health care. Is it really that bad? How much is it worth? How much am I worth? Is living over-rated? Why don't they have a cash-for-clunker program for bodies?
Anyway to make a long story shorter I was referred to the Cancer Hospital, underwent a few tests, had a total abdominal hysterectomy and it turns out I don't have cancer.
The elevated cancer markers and my symptoms were due to a wicked case of endometriosis all over the surface of all my girlie internals and part of my intestine. They didn't remove the section of intestine but the rest got scrapped but not until my daughter got a couple of photos of my enlarged tumor filled uterus. Strange but seeing the photos actually helped me to deal with the loss of a body part I was pretty attached to but clearly had no more use for.
The surgery required me being cut from hip to hip because there was a lot exploratory work to be done in addition to the hysterectomy and I spent 4 days in hospital. Its been 5 weeks and I'm still pretty sore but considering I've been gutted like a fish, clamped open for an hour and all my abdominal organs were rifled through, that's to be expected I suppose. I am feeling a little better every day but I realize I had been fooling myself thinking after the surgery I'd feel so much better right away.
I know I should have been doing backflips when the tests came back cancer negative but its been so hard to turn my head around after thinking I had cancer and all that goes with it. The intense pain, hormonal changes and lack of mobility haven't helped.
It really changes everything when you think you might die sooner rather than later. I mean, we are all going to die but there is something about knowing the "of what" that is terrifying.
I have some pretty, let's just say "unorthodox" coping methods (more on that later) which helped me get through all this but for me, the simple act of buying a full-size bottle of shampoo and conditioner for my still waist-length hair was a the big indicator that signals I am finally planning on living... so watch out!
Oh, and the name of the shampoo and conditioner I bought? Herbal Essence's "Long-term Relationship" for long hair!!! I love it by the way - hotel hair products are like a weekend (or overnight) romance and now, finally, after all this I'm ready to commit... or is it be committed? Jury is still out...
